Sunday, March 02, 2008

Sunday night... Depressed? Or Pumped???

So... It's Sunday night. Our High School service starts in about 20 minutes. But for some reason, I have some time to blog. But as I stand here... there aren't any teenagers around... yet.

But this is that critical time for my night. Right now, I'm wondering if anyone will show up. And if some don't show up (variety of reasons... school... family... laziness... etc...), how will that affect how I see myself tonight? And how I see the successfulness of tonight's event???

See what usually happens is that if a bunch of kids show up and the night goes off well, then I feel that I succeeded and was successful (which is similar to succeeded). But if only a few show up (and I know that "a few" and "a bunch" are relative to my situation here in the Chicagoland suburbs... what you consider "a few" and what I consider "a few" may be totally different), then I will feel that I failed. But is that true?

As much as I would like to say that numbers aren't important... and in many respects, they aren't. But in the hollow of my mind at 17 minutes before the event begins, it impacts me a bunch. And right now, my heart and mind is hoping that students will begin pouring through the door. Mostly for my sanity... but also for the other students who will arrive later on and wonder "where everyone else is at".

On the outside I seem confident and cool.
But on the inside, my heart is churning and turning.

Why after almost 10 years of youth ministry is my view of my self-worth still wrapped up to some degree in the number of students who will show up tonight for the high school service? Oh well... Gotta go... I hear voices...


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